Why??

Lately I have been doing a quite a lot of thinking and have developed this particular habit of questioning anything and everything. I have questioned people, government, myself, laws, society, opinions, humankind…… I have brought myself into a situation where I find myself in some sort of vacuum looking for answers. Lady luck hasn't favored me though in this conquest of mine.

But, is it necessary to find an answer? Should I even look for answers? Why this constant train of emotions that subconsciously makes an obligation to align itself to the belief that there are “answers” to “questions”? How did I first arrive to this notion? Spare me for asking too many questions – but bear with me if you wish ponder upon some more questions. How will I know that I have arrived at an answer?

I have an infinite volley of questions and thoughts that keeps cascading and rummaging my mind. Sometimes, I feel momentary joy and elation, when I truly believe that I might have stumbled upon an answer. Alas! the very next instant, the “answer” turns itself into another “question”. I think I might have even witnessed “answer” giving out a wry smile to me as a parting gift.

In this process, I have discovered a handful of things about myself, which I wasn’t aware of earlier. I have infinite biases within me that colors my vision and outlook towards almost everything under the sun – both abstract and concrete. I see myself as a seeker. I seek for a clearer vision – to see things as they are without coloring them with my biases, beliefs and external stimulus. Is it possible to achieve this desired state or is it just a Utopian concept? How do I even realize the quantity of inputs I absorb on a daily basis that have shades of my own colors?

I have gleefully claimed my authority and stamped a sense of ownership on my thoughts, actions and beliefs. Are they even mine? Sometime back, I made a sincere effort to trace back to the time, when and how these thoughts arrived in my mind. It’s hazy and unclear, somewhere in between, I feel a powerful energy feeding me with its cauldron of 0 and 1. Although it feels familiar, I can’t seem to decipher the pattern? What pattern? How do you know it’s a pattern? Have you seen these patterns before?

I desire to hit a bottom now because I’m speeding with full roar. I wish to rest and find myself a stop to derail the stream of 0 and 1. Perhaps, that will provide me with the required point of reference to measure things. Oh this self-obsession to find an answer… to have the last say… to align to the pattern... to find meaning and purpose in this random scatter of things..